Monty, you're a starfish

I had high hopes for Monty Panesar.

The first reports were he could really bowl.

That he could really not bat.

And that he fielded like a particularly uncoordinated cerebral palsy afflicted platypus.

None of these are true.

His bowling is average, it’s not Ashley Giles bad, but its not Murali good.

His batting is pretty ordinary, but it’s not laugh until you need to pee ordinary like Chris Martin, it’s more vanilla ordinary.

His fielding is pretty crap, but it’s not you could watch him all day crap.

In a word he is Meh.

He is just another left arm tweaker from England.

He doesn’t really spin the ball all that much.

He doesn’t really instil fear into opposition batsman.

He averages over 32 with the rock.

He doesn’t take drugs, or say odd things.

He doesn’t seem to have a personality at all.

He is possibly the dullest cult figure in the history of English sports.

There is nothing controversial about the man.

There are only two things I like about him, his running style, he looks like a child imitating a robot, and the fact he ended the misery of having to watch Ashley Giles.

Everything else is meh.

I’ve wanted to like him for a couple of seasons, but I can’t do it.

A man can’t make love to a stone Monty.

I need something from you.

An x factor.

A y chromosome.

Tell us you slept with a man.

Show us your third nipple.

Start sledging in pig latin.

Take big bags of wickets.

Regail us with tails as your life as a CIA operative.

Give us something Monty.

If not, they I’m afraid your done here.

I have already started seeing a younger man.

Adil is the twice the spinner you are, which means he is a leggie.

He can actually bat, and he comes from Yorkshire.

Plus he is way more exotic than you are.

Monty, you are going on the players we hate list.

Mostly because we don’t have a players we meh list.

Monty, if that is your real name, if you want to come off the list, start performing like a cult figure, or at least give us a rest from the Ashley Giles impersonation.

England to win 3 zip

The English cricket team are an amazing bread of players.

Batsmen who look the part, talk the talk, get the plaudits, and produce very little.

Bowlers who are rejects from the ford agency.

And wicket keepers that come on a conveyor belt of pasty balding fumblers who can bat a bit.

It’s a weird mix.

On top of this, about every 2 years England has a new saviour, someone to deliver them to the promise land.

England’s recent list of saviours

Harmy, who, if he was a gladiator, would eat the lion one day, and get eaten by a mouse the next.

Freddy, the drunkard superstar who can do anything on a cricket field, if only he was regularly on them.

KP was South African, but unfortunately he had to pledge his allegiance to England so many times he his now English, and therefore not the saviour.

And let us not forget Monty, who we were all assured was going to usher in a new breed of spin success for England, and now just gets in the way of a Yorkshire leggie.

New Zealand are New Zealand, and no one can deny them that.

Prince Brendan is a one man wrecking crew.

The perfect boyfriend Oram is a one man wrecking crew.

And Daniel Vettori is a foreman, who operates his two one man wrecking crews.

Other than that everyone is a battler.

Some, like Taylor, could be one man wrecking crews, but they keep destroying themselves.

Chris Martin, a man who looks so dodgy, Daniel Flynn bats with his wallet in his creams, can bowl a bit, so can former Adonis Kyle Mills.

Jamie How is something, we are just not sure what at the moment.

So where does this leave this series.

England maybe could have won, but they went for the draw.

New Zealand could never have won, but they finished on top.

England have a lot of improving to do.

New Zealand are playing in their 99th percentile.

England 3 zip it is, I like to stick by my guns, even when I’m shooting myself in the foot.

Warne disrespects McGain

Shane Warne has said "If Stuey MacGill fell over and broke his leg, and there were no other spinners around, and Ricky came out and said, 'Mate, can you please help us out for this one-off tour? We need you', that is something I would weigh up."

Stuey falls over all the time, but his newly found rotundness protects him from broken legs.

When was Ricky promoted to chairman of selectors and CEO of Cricket Australia.

And what is this crap about no other spinners, no other spinners, what the hell do you call Bryce McGain.

Not to forget the dude from Sydney with the Young and the Restless name who I don’t rate at all.

Cricket with balls has not been in contact with Bryce McGain over this shocking slight from Warne, but luckily we have ESP powers and Telekinetic powers (even if they don’t help in this situation) and we can tell what McGain is thinking.

“Every body talking bout Shane Warne.

Who the fudge does this man think he is, I am leg spinning goddammit.

I need some milk.

He better bow down and kiss my toes in forgiveness.

Just because he is the best leg spinner in freakin Jaipur, that don’t mean a diddle.

Eggs, bread.

I am the best leg spinner in Victoria, and I have been since he flew the coop to Hampshire.

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no no.

If Stuey aint fit, I get the gig, because I do the training, I take the wickets, and because I don’t sleep with strippers.

I pity the fool who messes with Bryce McGain.

Tim tams as well.

Shane, mess with me, and you will meet my friend pain.

Do you smell what the Goo is cooking?

I am the lizard king.

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is HOV, H to the O-V. I used to move snowflakes by the O.Z.

Warney if you play ahead of me in a dream you better wake up and apologise.

I understand you being horny Fritz, but you've got bad breath”

Strong words from Bryce.

Oh and congrats to Warne for getting the worlds media titillated over something that will never ever happen.

kiwi v eng tipping contest

Sportsfreak have put up the results of the first round of tipping in the IPL cricket blogging challenge DLF maximum orange hat competition.

Cricket with balls is coming a tidy fourth with 4 points.

I correctly tipped that Sidebottom would bowl the most overs, not because it was going to be a rain effected game, but based on the fact the kiwis have 5 bowlers, and Broad and Anderson are not Sidebottomesque.

I also went within a bees dick of picking Prince Brendan's strike rate.

I must admit I didn't really take this seriously, but now that I am 4th, my Austrlaianess has kicked in, and I will take this very seriously from here on in.

Well as seriously as I take anything.

Harmonster Harms Hoggard

In a SHOCKING incident reminiscent of Tonya Harding - Nancy Kerrigan, Steve Harmison has, apparently, resorted to extreme measures in a (futile - Tremlett's back in) attempt to take out one of his fast-bowling rivals.

Poor Matthew Hoggard has had his thumb broken by a Harmison bouncer.

Now, seasoned Harmy watchers will notice that something doesn't quite add up.

Yes, that's right.

Harmison? Bowling with a line sufficiently precise so as to pinpoint a thumb?

WHAT THE?

There is only one possible explanation for this sudden show of extreme accuracy: the mind-mannered wayward tormented bowler is, by accumulated rage and thwarted ambition, TRANSFORMED into a being with robot-like vision and accuracy:

THE HARMONSTER

His secret identity remains safe, because it never manifests itself in a test match when people might be watching.




*thanks again to Ceci and Mel for the beauteous photoshopping.

New Surrey post

That's right people, a new Surrey post! It is HERE.

This covers Surrey's Friends Provident game against Kent on Sunday 18 May, which I didn't go to as I was at Lords. In this post:

• I just about resist calling Azhar Mahmood a turncoat;
• I introduce (for those of you who may not have met him yet) an exciting young buck called Chris Jordan;
• I express disappointment at Mark Ramprakash in my new feature "Bat Out Of Hell", a possibly unfair anti-accolade that I'll be handing out to whichever batsman I feel like, according to my capricious will.

WARNING: the Surrey post contains paragraphs.

last week's poll

People (33%) really want KP to serve them drinks.

To be honest, I am not sure why I even put KP in this poll, and I don’t know why people want him to serve them drinks.

Sourav Ganguly (19%) is also another person people want to receive a Shirley temple from.

Good luck with that.

This weeks poll is all about which team is your second favourite side.

IPL around the world

Occasionally I pop a post over at Holdingwilley.com.

Recently they took a look at what impact the IPL has had in 3 countries, Australia, West Indies, and India.

I helped them out with a bit of Australiana.

You can read all about how I blatantly plug the Victorians here.

Good website Holding Willey.

appreciate a victorian

While I was checking my facebook fan page I stumbled across something awesome.

Well two things really, but you guys probably don’t care about Tom Petrovski.

You may not care about the other one either, but it’s my blog, and if I wanna salute another Victorian, I damn well will.

You see, I found the Matthew Inness Appreciation Society.

A collection of people who probably know him personally, but none the less, an appreciation society for one of the best Victorian bowlers in the last 10 years.

Matthew Inness was a Victorian left arm quick who had three fatal flaws, one, he was Victorian, two, he wasn’t a great bowler with an older ball, and three, red hair.

Put a new ball in the dudes hand and he would make it talk.

And do you know what it said, WICKETS.

At his best the ball had a magical arc that could cut through the best Australian domestic, and International techniques.

Somehow during the great Victorian fast bowling scout of a few years back, Inness got a bum steer, and ended up playing for the Warriors.

At first the Warriors seemed a little stand offish towards him, but this year he well and truly changed their minds.

He took 40 first class wickets at an average of 20, and yet has decided to pull the pin.

Tis a shame.

How an Australian left arm bowler could take 281 first class wickets at 25 and never play one game for Australia, when guys like Simon Cook, Brad Williams and Scott Muller have, is a bit odd.

Inness never seemed to make the right headlines, he just took wickets, had red hair, and went about his business, everything else was not that important.

If you are a Victorian fan, a fan of the gingers, a broadfordite, or a left arm swing bowling enthusiast, join the appreciation society of a man who never got enough of it during a very good ten year first class career.

Cricket with balls appreciates you Mr Inness.

the krab is back

Simon Katich has been officially selected.

And it hurts.

On many levels.

Another NSWelshman getting a test.

Having to watch him scuttle around.

Another former golden child getting yet another chance.

Having to watch him grub around with no respect for his creamy whites.

Knowing that the elusive creature, the Australian bowling all rounder, is being held in captivity.

And a complete disregard for planning for the future of the Australian test team.

England, get my goat

England deserve to end up behind New Zealand.

They looked at the fact there were 2 days left, the fact they had 10 wickets in hand, and they thought, lets play the draw.

It’s piss poor.

Test cricket is played until the 5th afternoon.

Test cricket is bloody hard to win.

Test cricket is not about playing draws in matches you are miles ahead in.

England’s first six wickets fell to prods.

Prods.

Fucken prods.

They were 150 runs behind with 10 wickets to spare, and they are trying to prod their way to a draw.

Play a fucken shot.

Take the game on.

Make the most of your huge advantage.

Win the test.

Kick the opposition when they are down.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Because next test, England could lose the toss, end up on a green top, get bowled out for 54, and go one nil down with one test to play.

Collingwood, Strauss and KP looked as if they were waiting to go out.

Cook was batting like a man on 5 not out when he was on 50.

Vaughn’s strike rate was 24 off about 84 balls at one stage.

Bell showed more intent than most of them, but the intent left him when Martin worked him over.

Ambrose made the sort of mistake that costs people careers.

This was not a mine field of a pitch, it’s the sort of pitch that a bowler in top form can hurt you, but Mills and Southee were looking very hittable, Vettori was bowling well, but he was hardly attacked, and Oram was placing them down softly as always.

Virtually all of them just sat at the wicket, calling it batting would be unfair to batsmen who actually bat.

It reminded me the radelaide oval test from the last Ashes.

England decided it would be a tame draw, but they forgot to tell the opposition of their prediction and they lost.

They probably won’t lose this, unless the pitch turns hostile on the last afternoon.

But that doesn’t matter, you never ever drop your guard in test cricket, because like a freaky ex girlfriend, she will stab you in the back with a hair pin.

Vaughn's hard task, and England's foreplay repeat

Michael Vaughn is currently on 60 odd not out.

But he is still not the Vaughn of old.

You may remember that Vaughn, the one who commanded the crease.

Who took apart bowling attacks.

Who batted like Carl Perkins would have.

Today he batted like he was constipated, like me after a week of cheesey indulgence.

I think I know what his problem is.

His constipation is not caused by too much dairy, but by the fact that the whole sky sports team seems wedged up his back passage.

Imagine playing a cover drive with bumble and Nasser in your anus.

Exactly.

But he has scratched and clawed his way to a promising start, and he is getting more used to the constipation as time goes by.

He still isn’t flowing freely, but he is floating instead of sinking.

The rest of the England team have been much more miserable.

I knew it was going to be a frustrating day when KP stated, in an incredibly long winded pre game interview, that he didn’t believe England could win this test.

Your most attacking cricketer giving up hope with 2 days in hand, you’re a true pom now KP.

From there England played for a draw.

Strauss played like he was imitating Rahul Dravid, the new model.

Cook was ok, but the eye liner ran, and Martin snuck through a snorter.

KP missed a straight one from Vettori by a very long way.

Bell got a ripper, again from Martin, still wouldn’t let him date my sister, but he is bowling very well.

Collingwood looked miserable, and went out to Vettori’s surprise ball, the one that spins.

Next ball Ambrose padded up to Vettori’s stock ball, the straight one.

What does all this add up to, more boring and useless foreplay from the English batsman.

Ladies, if you’re gonna date an English cricketer, make sure it’s a bowler.

Ian Smith on Jacob Oram

"He won't be too stiff after that one(beating Vaughn, as if that's hard), he'll be excited"

To that I say, what is the point in being excited if you are not stiff?

But me thinks that after Jacob got Strauss out, Ian was stiff enough for every Kiwi.

victorians quoted

Obviously Victorians are taking over the globe, but they also give good quote.

"One day I was up on the roof, the next I was playing at the MCG. Now I'm never going near a roof again."

Darren "eyelids" Pattinson, the Victoria and Nottinghamshire quick bowler, on his rise from roof tiler to strike bowler after his 6/30 against Lancashire.

He wasn't just on a roof though, he was on a roof in Dandenong, you can understand why he doesn't want to go back there, as their tiles are particularly dangerous.

"Look, Twenty20 is such a fast game that one has to remain focused all the time. We don't even have enough time for sledging."

David Hussey on one of the many consequences of the shortest form of the game.

The Future PM means he doesn't have time to sledge, Warney still finds time.

he is more than a man, more than a jelly bean, and he tastes like chicken beef casserole

Disclaimer: Although this post is about Shane Watson, there are no pictures of him nude, but there are (c)ock references.

Shane Watson may have had the combs of roosters inserted into his soft tissues when he went to see German animal molester and miracle man, Dr Hans-Wilhelm Muller-Wohlfarth, for treatment last year.

What could have been a senseless waste of rooster, has turned into a a very good use of rooster.

A rooster comb is the comb in domestic fowl, a naked, fleshy crest on the top of the heads of both adult male and female birds, is more developed in the male. The structure of the comb can be quite variable, ranging from a simple, single, erect or drooping, serrated appearance to more elaborate forms, depending on the variety of the domestic fowl.

Interesting, I’m sure you’ll agree.

When this was first reported, it was thought that cows blood was going to be inserted into Shane Watson's seemingly muscular, but really dodgy, hamstrings.

Now we find out it may have been rooster combs.

Or both.

There is a possibility that Shane Watson, 5 times jelly bean cricketer of the year (before Freddy took the title), could be part cow and part chicken.

A fowl bovine perhaps.

The once in a generation all rounder, with the once a game hamstrings, is currently the best performed player in the IPL.

At a 125,000 clams he is unbelievable value for money.

You can't blame the other sides for not picking him.

They went on his human traits.

No one knew that he now had the calm of a cow, and the productivity of a rooster.

Those attributes changed him from the prodding useless mess of a man he has been for quite some time (world cup notwithstanding), to the IPL destroying fowl bovine he is right now.

Animal juice is the way of the future and there are other players that could benefit from an injection.

Shoaib Ahktar – Clydesdale semen

Jesse Ryder – German Shepherd saliva

Misbah Ul Haq – Peacock feathers

Ricky Ponting – (more) Badger Hair

Graeme Smith – Owl pee

The list is seemingly endless, yet here it ends.

The Australian selectors have spoken

They said

"We want the Krab.

We enjoy watching him scuttle around the crease.

We like his nudging.

His unwashed demeanour.

He 3 day stubble.

And his can do attitude.

Ashley Noffke can go please himself."

The Australian selectors wanted Noffke to be under no illusion that he might get a game, so they gave Brad Hodge a game to go with all those frequent flyer points.

Brad Hodge obviously wont play a test match on this tour.

Once Clarke comes back he will be sent back to SRK.

So what message are they sending to Noffke, we hear you liked the rum on your last tour here, fancy another round.

OK, so you want Katich in the side, we get that, but surely giving Noffke a run, even as a batsman, is a better go than playing Hodge.

Hell, playing anyone but Shane Watson is better than Hodge.

Now us Australians must endure Simon Katich again.

Clarkey, you now can never leave this woman, not even if Michael Slater sleeps with her.